Tanishka - Week #15 - Silent Wins
As I try to catch a bit of sleep at the sluggish hours of 3 AM, almost every embarrassing moment comes to mind. The one time I stumbled over a presentation, slipping over strings of words and fumbling into sentences, or tripping over an imaginary rock; why do our failures or embarrassing moments echo through our lives, but our achievements and victories faintly whisper to the point where you can barely hear them?
As junior year unfortunately (or fortunately, however you look at it) comes to a close, it’s strange to think that so much time has passed by. With this, embarrassing moments have run its course in my high school career, and when I sit down and think, I almost can always think of an embarrassing moment. Yes I can remember some of my accomplishments, but they alway seem to be brushed away like they were required to happen, like if I achieved them, it was easy to do anyways. My achievements feel obligatory once they are completed, not holding the same presence they used to before the fact. This mental habit might be similar in other people as well, and due to the standards that many of us hold ourselves to, we learn to dig in on the mistakes and brush off the wins and victories that are worth mentioning.
Not to get deep, but isn’t that the point? To, of course, learn from your mistakes, but to celebrate those little wins? I feel those common joys of everyday, mundane life have been stripped away in the hazardous and tumultuous rollercoaster of junior year, even high school. The victories seem to be transient and fast, like the next big thing is waiting and we have to get on with it, or we’ll miss the crowd.
Above these high standards, maybe our environment can be the problem: Without a support system who cheers loudly for your achievements, who is there to celebrate them except for you? For me personally, once I fail at something or embarrass myself, it seems like the world is against me, turning my life into a race where I just took a mile back.
I can think of a reason why this happens though: It’s because of the vivid memories of the failure. That gnawing feeling in your stomach: Pin dropping silence, the blood draining from your face once something goes wrong, the millions of thoughts rushing through your brain. I might be a little dramatic, but that's how I think, and I think the way we remember failures is the problem. Why can’t we relive victories with as much enthusiasm, while still taking the losses as they pass? I command all of you to celebrate your victories as loudly and proudly as we rebuke our losses, it’ll make life a little easier.
I too remember my mistakes much more clearly than I remember my accomplishments—however, I disagree with you in that I believe this is a good thing. Remembering the mistakes of the past reminds us not to repeat those mistakes—which helps us learn and keeps us from making the same mistakes again. By contrast, remembering the accomplishments of the past can make you complacent and/or arrogant. If you only remember your accomplishments, you may feel like you don’t need to improve yourself further—which limits growth.
ReplyDeleteOptimism is much better saved for matters related to the future. If you have hopes and dreams for the future, you are more likely to be motivated to pursue those dreams. Optimism for the future keeps us motivated, while a cynical view towards the past keeps us grounded from repeating mistakes.
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ReplyDeleteHey Tanishka! I love how insightful your blog is this week. It seems like you’ve spent lots of time deeply reflecting on your memories, and that's pretty admirable. Reading your blog, I noticed some similarities and differences with my experiences. Personally, I never dwell on embarrassing moments much. Not to say I haven’t had any! It's just that when embarrassing moments happen, I try my hardest to completely erase them from my memory. I find this mindset helpful to have because it prevents me from freaking out about an embarrassing situation at random times in the day. However, I do vividly remember all my mistakes. I feel like it is important to remember mistakes so that they do not happen again. I do think that thinking too often about mistakes is not the healthiest either. At the end of the day, it is all of our first times living. Mistakes are bound to happen and should not be excessively dwelled on. In contrast to your experiences, I also do remember most of my accomplishments. I agree that school strips away common joys, however that doesn’t really stop me from celebrating myself when necessary. Overall, I loved reading your blog. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHey Tanishka! I related heavily to your blog this week, especially as junior year has been nothing short of stressful, tiring, and draining. It’s so difficult to acknowledge the good times and all out achievements because of how much we overthink the failures we face. Yet, like you said, it’s important remember that failure is natural and necessary to improving, because without it, we wouldn’t be able to learn from our mistakes. When life seems so hard and everything feels like a mess, it’s easy to get into a toxic mindset of feeling like we can’t escape. It’s like everything we do isn’t good enough, and just one mess up can ruin all the good progress we’ve had. Whether it’s school exams, sports competitions, or extracurriculars, finding the positives within the negatives is always hard. It’s almost as if we’re expected to succeed without failure, and small achievements don’t deserve to be celebrated. Thanks for bringing awareness to this topic!
ReplyDeleteHi Tanishka. I can relate to this feeling of always giving greater attention to losses rather than momentary victories. For me, I pay attention to my losses more as they require me to do more work in the future to either improve for myself or to improve my grades. Meanwhile, successes, as you said before, feel momentary and something that should have been done. After a brief moment of happiness, I get washed with this feeling of apathy that tells me that what I have done is the bare minimum, and I feel like there is a bigger thing that I need to accomplish in order to feel happy or accomplished. And with AP Exams coming up, the previous months feel minor as the AP Exam feels like the definitive, most important way of deciding if I should feel accomplished and whether or not I have a future. This also reminds me about what you said before, and how this year is close to being over. It feels so surreal that it is almost over, and we can finally have freedom. I cannot say I can feel relieved even after the exams due to college admission, but the AP Exams feel like the culmination of the entire year. As a result, I feel pressured to do good, or else none of my previous test scores matter. But I will try to appreciate my previous accomplishments more in order to feel less pressure, so thanks!
ReplyDeleteHey Tanishka, your blog is probably the most relatable one I've read in a while. Even though it's only 9:27 PM right now, I already know I'm going to be up until ~2 AM finishing up work and studying. Those hours where you know you have to keep working but cannot find the physical energy to do so always also lead my mind to finding embarrassing or regretful events in the past for some reason. Really inconvenient when I'm trying to use every ounce of energy to keep going. I think it's weird that our minds only try to bring back memories that we would rather not remember instead of the ones that would motivate us to keep going... But yeah, I definitely agree that when we do get those negative regretful thoughts, thinking forcibly about positive times or even a positive future can help us get through. That image you attached shows it perfectly, and reminds me even now that in the end, it's all gonna be worth it. (hopefully lol)
ReplyDeleteHi Tanishka! Your blog this week so beautifully written, I loved it! Everything you wrote resonated with me so well. Just last week, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. Seeing my emotional low, my mother asked me what was wrong and I started pouring out everything I felt like I had failed at. At the time I didn’t understand it, but my mother scolded me for spewing out so much negativity. I realize how much I dwell on the negative experiences because it can feel impossible to focus on the positive amidst the embarrassment and as you worded “gut-wrenching,” face-reddening moments in life. I consider myself so lucky to have so many cheerleaders, rooting for me and supporting me but I know that if I am not able to love myself and be proud of myself, then what is all of their support for? Your blog was nothing short of inspiring, thank you for sharing Tanishka!
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