James Week 15: I'm Not Ready for Summer

For the past 2-3 months, my life revolved around Urinetown. I spent every day with my castmates—learning lines, songs, choreography, and blocking. On most days, I wouldn’t get home until 7. In the final weeks, I’d be at the theatre until 8, even 10. I struggled to keep up with the work in my classes, and I would spend my weekends at Suju’s desperately catching up on all of the homework I couldn’t do on the weekdays. I felt so much stress and pressure, and I dreamed of the day I would be able to relax, of the day I would have free time.

And now, we’ve taken our final bows. Urinetown is over, and all of my free time has returned. There’s a strange feeling in my chest—a feeling I haven’t felt in what feels like forever. What do I do? Already I feel as if I lack purpose. I feel as if I have all the time in the world. And this is just a preview—in just over a month, we’ll be on summer vacation, and not even school will occupy my mind. 

I’m already missing the stress. I’m already missing the pressure. I’m already missing the feeling of being busy, of having something to do. Am I addicted to stress? Can I replicate that wonderfully tiring feeling on my own? I could fill my time with other things to keep myself busy—exercising, studying, growing, improving myself. I can set goals for myself that will keep up the pressure, that will keep me busy. 

But in my heart, I know that will never work. On past summer vacations and breaks, I could never recreate that feeling. I could keep myself busy, but it never gave me the same thrill. I studied biology, I ran around Quarry Lakes, I improved my habits—but it never gave me the same feeling. 

I think I enjoyed the stress and pressure because I felt it with the people I loved. School makes me happy because I can see people every day. The swim team made me happy because they gave me a community. Urinetown made me happy because I did it with others.

When summer comes, I won’t be around those people every day. 

I’m not ready for summer.

I'm not ready to leave my theatre family.

Comments

  1. Arushi NaiduApril 30, 2025 at 9:39 PM


    Hi James! Let me start by saying that you were phenomenal as Hot Blades Harry in Urinetown and congratulations on being nominated for the Sara Bareilles Awards! I completely understand how you feel. The final night of A Midsummer Nights’ Dream was the one of the most bittersweet nights of my life and I felt the post-production depression for almost a week. At first, I felt so grateful to have more time to work on my school work and to spend time with my family but even the first day after, I felt the absence of rehearsal. I felt the absence of everyone’s laughter while getting ready in 702 and the crazy stories we told each other. I had no idea how to productively use all the extra time on my hands and in the process, I ended going through a huge slump period. I don’t think you’re addicted to stress at all, I used to feel the same way about myself. I think we are just people who thrive under structure. I also think that theater is something you are immensely passionate about, which is why you most likely feel its absence so strongly, but I genuinely believe that over the summer, you will be able to keep in touch with everyone and keep the structure for yourself because the bonds created in theater last a lifetime. Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. James ChanMay 1, 2025 at 3:12 PM

      THANK YOU ARUSHIIIIII!!! Yes, post-show depression is hitting like mad now. I'm finding that I have so much free time, so I'm taking the time to exercise (I'm quite fond of biking, so I'm going on daily bike rides while listening to audiobooks).
      Your idea about thriving under structure actually does a much better job of describing what I'm feeling right now! To be honest, the repetitive daily structure of shows and rehearsals felt good in that it kept me busy, but I'm glad that it didn't change between days.
      Also please join the play next year. IT'LL BE AMAZING YOU SHOULD JOIN ARUSHIIIIIII

      Delete
    2. Arushi NaiduMay 22, 2025 at 10:58 PM

      I will most definitely audition James!!

      Delete
  2. Julia WanApril 30, 2025 at 9:53 PM

    Hi James! You were amazing in Urinetown. The feeling you're describing is so relatable-- during my robotics season, all I was thinking about was how stressed I was balancing swim, school, and 10+ hours of robotics per week, but as soon as the season ended, I missed having those blocked out hours of time dedicated towards working on robotics. Similarly, all I'm looking forward to at the moment is for APs and swim championships to be over, but I know that as soon as summer hits, I'll struggle to fill in my time and miss the tight schedule that school has molded for me. I admire your drive to self improve and to keep yourself busy and productive -- when I have nothing to do, I resort to doomscrolling or sleeping, which doesn't give me the same fulfillment as being busy and productive, but running around Quarry Lakes and finding things like biology to fill in that gap is really respectable and productive. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. James ChanMay 1, 2025 at 3:14 PM

    THANKS ARNAV FOR WATCHING!!! I might actually try joining XC for their conditioning over the summer, so I might see you around there. Does Mr. Ku still drop by and join you guys?

    ReplyDelete

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