James Week 13: I Have Yet to Mourn
On Friday, my paternal grandfather passed away. I suppose I should feel grief.
In 2016, my maternal grandfather passed away. I suppose I should have felt sorrow.
I have yet to mourn.
Am I a callous person? Do I lack the capacity to grieve?
Wait. I’ve felt loss before. I remember.
My dog died last year; I shed a tear then.
Am I so heartless, so unloving as to grieve the death of an animal more than my own grandparents?
Wait. I never really knew my grandfathers.
My maternal grandfather had Alzheimer’s. He was bedridden; he couldn’t even speak. I never once talked with him; I only talked at him. “Hi Gung Gung.” “Bye Gung Gung.” “I’m going home now, Gung Gung.” All the while Gung Gung would just lie in bed, staring at the white ceiling above him.
My paternal grandfather, by contrast, could speak. His health was decent—not perfect; his hearing was poor. But he could walk, talk, and take care of himself.
But I didn’t talk much with him either. He only spoke Cantonese, I only spoke English. We didn’t go to visit him often, nor did he come visit us all that often.
I knew my dog better than my grandfathers. I remember every spot in the house where he loved to hide, the warm feeling I’d have when he jumped into my bed, the feeling of his fur. I remember the tricks he would do when he performed with us.
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| The people with whom I am close will die eventually. Until then, I have yet to mourn. Source: CGP Grey |
My maternal grandfather. My paternal grandfather. My dog. I never truly knew them; I never talked with them. I remember them, but I never grieved.
The people close to me, the people with whom I’ve developed close relationships—they have yet to die.
And I have yet to mourn.
Here's a few things you can think of when writing comments.
ReplyDeleteIs my perspective cold and unforgiving? (Feel free to criticize my thoughts; I won't be offended if you do so.)
Would it be most appropriate to grieve one's death, celebrate their life, or move on and keep looking towards the future? Why?
To what extent do you feel grief for people you never knew?
Did you watch the video of my dog? He is an adorable dog. His tricks are much good. (I will not be offended if you say my viewpoint is insensitive. I will, however, be offended if you read this blog and did not watch the video of my dog doing tricks.)
Hey James! Reading your blog, it seems that you don’t grieve for anything or anyone you are unable to talk to. While I completely get why you wouldn’t grieve for your grandparents since you didn't know them that well and couldn’t speak to them, I am a bit confused about your dog. I understand that communication is a big deal to you, and seems to be an important way for you to understand and properly connect with others. While it is hard for humans to understand each other without words, the opposite is true of pets. I own a cat myself, and though I don’t speak cat language, I understand my cat loves me by the way he boops my nose with his nose and bunts his head around my legs. Though I can’t communicate with my cat through words, actions are enough to make me love him endlessly. If anything happened to him, I would grieve for him even though I never literally understood him. Since my views and your views are so different, I am having a hard time understanding why you wouldn’t grieve for your dog. It is obvious through your blog that you absolutely loved your dog. So, wouldn’t his loving actions be enough for you to grieve for him? Though I am confused about this, I am not judging you in any way. Everyone has different ways to deal with things, and each method of coping is equally valid. Thank you for writing this blog!
ReplyDeleteHey James! I honestly resonate so much with your experience with grief and feeling disconnected from your grandparents. Similar to you, I’ve never met my paternal grandparents as they live in Macau, and it was hard for me to communicate with them since my Cantonese was also pretty bad. With such a wide distance between us, I never truly got to know them or even be with them, so when they passed, I didn’t understand the gravity of it. It was always difficult to communicate with my relatives because of the language barrier so I understand how you feel. Even when my great-grandmother passed away, my cousins and I couldn’t feel the same as our parents who grew up with her did. Grief is confusing and different for everyone, but I hope you’re able to commemorate and honor your loved ones, taking time to remember your memories together despite how close you once were.
ReplyDeleteHi James! Your blog this week was written so poetically and it seems that you carry the guilt of not being able to fully mourn the people in your life who you felt you were meant to miss. Authentic conversation and communication is an important part of every single one of my relationships and the absence of it usually stops me from establishing a true attachment with a person, so I can understand why the deaths of your grandfathers were not grief-stricken moments for you. That does not make you cold and unforgiving, only human, and it is incredibly mature that you can admit this truth to yourself and stay authentic to your emotions. My father’s mother passed away from Parkinson’s Disease about five years ago. I loved her, but it almost feels shameful to admit that I did not have a strong attachment with her. Maybe it was because our India trips were so rare. Maybe it was because I could not fluently speak the language that she was comfortable with. But when the news of her passing came, I was overcome with immense sadness, not for myself, but for my father. Seeing him experience his loss, seeing his pain was enough for me to feel it myself. I believe that when two people have an inexplicable emotional connection, like a father and daughter, one person’s grief can be felt by the other which to me, is the extent of sorrow that can be felt for someone we never truly knew. Thank you for such a thoughtful blog, Ace’s tricks were absolutely adorable!
ReplyDeleteYAY someone mentioned Ace!
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